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| This is an actual letter sent to a Bank in the US. The bank thought
it amusing enough to publish it in the New York Times.
Dear Sir: I am writing to thank you for bouncing the cheque with which I endeavored to pay my plumber last month. By my calculations some three nanoseconds must have elapsed between his presenting the cheque, and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honor it. I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my entire salary, an arrangement which, I admit, has only been in place for eight years. You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account with $50 by way of penalty for the inconvenience I caused your bank. My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial ways. You have set me on the path of fiscal righteousness. No more will our relationship be blighted by these unpleasant incidents, for I am restructuring my affairs in 2000, taking as my model the procedures, attitudes and conduct of your very bank. I can think of no greater compliment, and I know you will be excited and proud to hear it. To this end, please be advised about the following: First, I have noticed that whereas I personally attend to your telephone calls and letters, when I try to contact you I am confronted by the impersonal, ever-changing, prerecorded, faceless entity, which your bank has become. From now on I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh and blood person. My mortgage and loan repayments will, therefore and hereafter, no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by cheque, addressed personally and confidentially to an employee of your branch, whom you must nominate. You will be aware that it is an offense under the Postal Act for any other person to open such an envelope. Please find attached an Application Contact Status, which I require your chosen employee to complete. I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative. Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be countersigned by a Justice of the Peace, and that the mandatory details of his/her Financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof. In due course, I will issue your employee with a PIN number, which he/she must quote in all dealings with me. I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modeled it on the number of button presses required to access my account balance on your phone bank service. As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery. Let me level the playing field even further by introducing you to my new telephone system, which you will notice, is very much like yours. My Authorized Contact at your bank, the only person with whom I will have any dealings, may call me at any time and will be answered by an automated voice. By pressing buttons on the phone, he/she will be guided through an extensive set of menus:
The contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service. While this may on occasion involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration. This month I've chosen a refrain from The Best Of Woody Guthrie: "Oh, the banks are made of marble After twenty minutes of that, our mutual contact will probably know it all by heart. On a more serious note, we come to the matter of cost. As your bank has often pointed out, the ongoing drive for greater efficiency comes at a cost - a cost that you have always been quick to pass on to me. Let me repay your kindness by passing some costs back. First, there is the matter of advertising material you send me. This I will read for a fee of $20/page. Enquiries from your nominated contact will be billed at $5 per minute of my time spent in response. Any debits to my account, as, for example, in the matter of the penalty for the dishonored cheque, will be passed back to you. My new phone service runs at 75 cents a minute (even Woody Guthrie doesn't come free), so you would be well advised to keep your enquiries brief and to the point. Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement.
Your humble client |
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| After Quasimodo's death, the bishop of the Cathedral of Notre Dame
sent word through the streets of Paris that a new bell ringer was needed.
The bishop decided that he would conduct the interviews personally and went up into the belfry to begin the screening process. After observing several applicants demonstrate their skills, he had decided to call it a day when an armless man approached him and announced that he was there to apply for the bell ringer's job. The bishop was incredulous: "You have no arms!" "No matter." Said the man, "Observe!" And he began striking the bells with his face, producing a beautiful melody on the carillon. The bishop listened in astonishment, convinced he had finally found a suitable replacement for Quasimodo. But suddenly, rushing forward to strike a bell, the armless man tripped and plunged headlong out of the belfry window to his death in the street below. The stunned bishop rushed to his side. When he reached the street, a crowd had gathered around the fallen figure, drawn by the beautiful music they had heard only moments before. As they silently parted to let the bishop through, one of them asked, "Bishop, who was this man?" "I don't know his name," the bishop sadly replied, "but his face rings a bell."!!!! {WAIT! WAIT! Not through yet!!} The following day, despite the sadness that weighed heavily on his heart due to the unfortunate death of the armless campanologist, the bishop continued his interviews for the bell ringer of Notre Dame. The first man to approach him said, "Your Excellency, I am the brother of the poor armless wretch that fell to his death from this very belfry yesterday. "I pray that you honor his life by allowing me to replace him in this duty." The bishop agreed to give the man an audition, but as the armless man's brother stooped to pick up a mallet to strike the first bell, he groaned, clutched at his chest and died on the spot. Two monks, hearing the bishop's cries of grief at this second tragedy, rushed up the stairs to his side. "What has happened? Who is this man?" the first monk asked breathlessly. "I don't know his name," sighed the distraught bishop, {Wait for it....} {Wait for it......} "...But he's a dead ringer for his brother." |
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| The story behind the letter below is that there is this fellow in
Newport, RI named Scott Williams who digs things out of his backyard and
sends the stuff he finds to the Smithsonian Institute, labeling them with
scientific names, insisting that they are actual archaeological finds. This
guy really exists and does this in his spare time! Anyway here's the actual
response from the Smithsonian Institution. Bear this in mind next time you
think you are challenged in your duty to respond to a difficult situation
in writing.
Smithsonian Institute Dear Mr. Williams: Thank you for your latest submission to the Institute, labeled "93211-D, layer seven, next to the clothesline post...Hominid skull." We have given this specimen a careful and detailed examination, and regret to inform you that we disagree with your theory that it represents conclusive proof of the presence of Early Man in Charleston County two million years ago. Rather, it appears that what you have found is the head of a Barbie doll, of the variety that one of our staff, who has small children, believes to be "Malibu Barbie." It is evident that you have given a great deal of thought to the analysis of this specimen, and you may be quite certain that those of us who are familiar with your prior work in the field were loathe to come to contradiction with your findings. However, we do feel that there are a number of physical attributes of the specimen which might have tipped you off to its modern origin: 1. The material is molded plastic. Ancient hominid remains are typically fossilized bone. 2. The cranial capacity of the specimen is approximately 9 cubic centimeters, well below the threshold of even the earliest identified proto-homonids. 3. The dentition pattern evident on the skull is more consistent with the common domesticated dog than it is with the ravenous man-eating Pliocene clams you speculate roamed the wetlands during that time. This latter finding is certainly one of the most intriguing hypotheses you have submitted in your history with this institution, but the evidence seems to weigh rather heavily against it. Without going into too much detail, let us say that: A. The specimen looks like the head of a Barbie doll that a dog has chewed on. B. Clams don't have teeth. It is with feelings tinged with melancholy that we must deny your request to have the specimen carbon-dated. This is partially due to the heavy load our lab must bear in its normal operation, and partly due to carbon-dating's notorious inaccuracy in fossils of recent geologic record. To the best of our knowledge, no Barbie dolls were produced prior to 1956 AD, and carbon-dating is likely to produce wildly inaccurate results. Sadly, we must also deny your request that we approach the National Science Foundation Phylogeny Department with the concept of assigning your specimen the scientific name Australopithecus spiff-arino. Speaking personally, I, for one, fought tenaciously for the acceptance of your proposed taxonomy, but was ultimately voted down because the species name you selected was hyphenated, and didn't really sound like it might be Latin. However, we gladly accept your generous donation of this fascinating specimen to the museum. While it is undoubtedly not a Hominid fossil, it is, nonetheless, yet another riveting example of the great body of work you seem to accumulate here so effortlessly. You should know that our Director has reserved a special shelf in his own office for the display of the specimens you have previously submitted to the Institution, and the entire staff speculates daily on what you will happen upon next in your digs at the site you have discovered in your Newport back yard. We eagerly anticipate your trip to our nation's capital that you proposed in your last letter, and several of us are pressing the Director to pay for it. We are particularly interested in hearing you expand on your theories surrounding the trans-positating fillifitation of ferrous ions in a structural matrix that makes the excellent juvenile Tyrannosaurus rex femur you recently discovered take on the deceptive appearance of a rusty 9-mm Sears Craftsman automotive crescent wrench.
Yours in Science, |
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An F-117 was flying escort with a B-52 and generally making a nuisance of himself by flying rolls around the lumbering old bomber. The message for the B-52 crew was, "Anything you can do, I can do better." Not to be outdone, the bomber pilot announced that he would rise to the challenge. The B-52 continued its flight, straight and level, however. Perplexed, the fighter pilot asked, "So? What did you do?" "We just shut down two engines." |
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| A juggler, driving to his next performance, is stopped by the
police.
"What are these matches and lighter fluid doing in your car?" asks the cop. "I'm a juggler and I juggle flaming torches in my act." "Oh yeah?" says the doubtful cop. "Lets see you do it." The juggler gets out and starts juggling the blazing torches masterfully. A couple driving by slows down to watch. "Wow," says the driver to his wife. "I'm glad I quit drinking. Look at the test they're giving now!" |
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| The American businessman was at the pier of a small coastal Mexican
village when a small boat with just one fisherman docked. Inside the small
boat were several large yellowfin tuna. The American complimented the Mexican
on the quality of his fish and asked how long it took to catch them.
The Mexican replied only a little while. The American then asked why didn't he stay out longer and catch more fish? The Mexican said he had enough to support his family's immediate needs. The American then asked, but what do you do with the rest of your time? The Mexican fisherman said, "I sleep late, fish a little, play with my children, take siesta with my wife, Maria, stroll into the village each evening where I sip wine and play guitar with my amigos, I have a full and busy life, senor." The American scoffed, "I am a Harvard MBA and could help you. You should spend more time fishing and with the proceeds buy a bigger boat with the proceeds from the bigger boat you could buy several boats, eventually you would have a fleet of fishing boats. Instead of selling your catch to a middleman you would sell directly to the processor, eventually opening your own cannery. You would control the product, processing and distribution. You would need to leave this small coastal fishing village and move to Mexico City, then LA and eventually NYC where you will run your expanding enterprise." The Mexican fisherman asked, "But senor, how long will this all take?" To which the American replied, "15-20 years." "But what then, senor?" The American laughed and said that's the best part. When the time is right you would announce an IPO and sell your company stock to the public and become very rich, you would make millions. "Millions, senor? Then what?" The American said, "Then you would retire. Move to a small coastal fishing village where you would sleep late, fish a little, play with your kids, take siesta with your wife, stroll to the village in the evenings where you could sip wine and play your guitar with your amigos." |
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| I was flying from San Francisco to Los Angeles. By the time we took
off, there had been a 45-minute delay and everybody on board was ticked.
Unexpectedly, we stopped in Sacramento on the way. The flight attendant explained that there would be another 45-minute delay, and if we wanted to get off the aircraft, we would reboard in 30 minutes. Everybody got off except one gentleman who was blind. I noticed him as I walked by and could tell he had flown before because his Seeing Eye dog lay quietly underneath the seats in front of him throughout the entire flight. I could also tell he had flown this very flight before because the pilot approached him and, calling him by name, said, "Keith, we're in Sacramento for almost an hour. Would you like to get off and stretch your legs?" Keith replied, "No thanks, but maybe my dog would like to stretch his legs." Picture this ... all the people in the gate area came to a completely quiet standstill when they looked up and saw the pilot walk off the plane with the Seeing Eye dog! The pilot was even wearing sunglasses. People scattered. They not only tried to change planes, they also were trying to change airlines!
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| This 85 year old couple, having been married almost 60 years, had
died in a car crash. They had been in good health the last ten years mainly
due to her interest in health food, and exercise.
When they reached the Pearly Gates, St. Peter took them to their mansion which was decked out with a beautiful kitchen and master bath suite and Jacuzzi. As they "oohed and aahed" the old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost. "It's free, " Peter replied. "This is Heaven." Next they went out back to survey the championship golf course that the home backed up to. They would have golfing privileges everyday and each week the course changed to a new one representing the great golf courses on earth. The old man asked, "What are the green fees?" Peter's reply, "This is Heaven. You play for free." Next they went to the club house and saw the lavish buffet lunch with the cuisine of the world laid out. "How much to eat?" asked the old man. "Don't you understand yet? This is Heaven. It is free!" Peter replied with some exasperation. "Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol tables?" the old man asked timidly. Peter lectured, "That's the best part...you can eat as much as you like of whatever you like and you never get fat and you never get sick. This is Heaven."> With that the old man went into a fit of anger, throwing down his hat and stomping on it, and shrieking wildly. Peter and his wife both tried to calm him down, asking him what was wrong. The old man looked at his wife and said, "This is all your fault. If it weren't for your bran muffins, I could have been here ten years ago!" |
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| Her husband has been slipping in and out of a coma for several months,
yet his faithful wife stayed by his bedside every single day. When he came
to, he motioned for her to come nearer.
As she sat by him, he said, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there.When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you gave me support. When my health started failing, you were still by my side...You know what?" "What dear?", she asked gently. "I think you're bad luck." |
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| A magician worked on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The audience
was different each week, so the magician allowed himself to do the same tricks
over and over again.
There was only one problem: the captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick. Once he understood, he started shouting in middle of the show: "Look, it's not the same hat!" "Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table." "Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?" The magician was furious but couldn't do anything. It was, after all, the captain's parrot. One day the ship had an accident and sank. The magician found himself on a piece of wood in the middle of the sea with, as fate would have it, the parrot. They stared at each other with hatred but did not utter a word. This went on for a day and then another. On the third day, the parrot could not hold back: "OK, I give up. Where's the boat? |
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| AIR DISASTER
Poland's Worst Air Disaster occurred today when a small two-seater Cessna 152 plane crashed into a cemetery early this afternoon in central Poland. Polish search and rescue workers have recovered 326 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the evening. |
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| Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson went on a camping trip. After a good
meal and a bottle of wine they lay down for the night and went to sleep.
Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend. "Watson, look
up at the sky and tell me what you see."
Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars". "What does that tell you?" asked Holmes. Watson pondered for a minute. "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets". "Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo". "Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three". "Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant". "Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow". "What does it tell you?" queried the good doctor. Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke: "Watson, you nerd, some bastard has stolen our tent." |
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| ADAM WAS VISITED ONE DAY BY GOD IN THE GARDEN OF EDEN AND GOD
COMMENDED
HIM ON ALL THE WONDERFUL WAY THINGS WERE GOING FOR HIM. HE TOLD ADAM THAT HE WAS SO PROUD OF HIM THAT HE WAS GOING TO GIVE HIM A WONDERFUL PRESENT. HE ASKED ADAM HOW HE WOULD LIKE TO HAVE ANOTHER HUMAN BEING TO SHARE HIS LIFE WITH HIM. ONE THAT WOULD PREPARE ALL OF HIS MEALS , KEEP HIS LIVING QUARTERS NICE AND CLEAN AND AGREE WITH EVERTHING HE SAID. ADAM THOUGHT A MINUTE AND ASKED HOW MUCH ALL OF THIS WOULD COST HIM. GOD SAID, ONLY AN ARM AND A LEG. ADAM THOUGHT ANOTHER MINUTE AND ASKED, "WHAT CAN I GET FOR A RIB?" |
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| One fall day, a guy is out raking leaves and he notices a hearse slowly
drive by. Following the first hearse is a second hearse, and behind that
is a man walking sadly along, followed by a dog, and then about 200 men walking
in single file.
The guy's intrigued, so he goes up to the man following the second hearse, and he asks him, "Who's in that first hearse?" The man answers, "My wife." "I'm sorry. What happened to her?" "My dog bit her and she died." Curious about the second hearse, the man asks "Who's in the second hearse?" "My mother-in-law. My dog bit her and she died as well." "Can I borrow your dog?" "Get in line." |
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| One bright, beautiful Sunday morning, everyone in the tiny town of
Johnstown got up early and went to the local church. Before the services
started, the townspeople were sitting in their pews and talking about their
lives, their families, etc.
Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone tarted screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate. Soon everyone was evacuated from the Church, except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew, not moving... seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence. Now this confused Satan a bit, so he walked up to the man and said, "Don't you know who I am?" The man replied, "Yep, sure do." Satan asked, "Aren't you afraid of me?" "Nope, sure ain't," said the man. Satan was a little perturbed at this and queried, "Why aren't you afraid of me?" The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for over 48 years." |
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| LONG JOHN SILVER RETIRED AND RETURNED TO HIS HOME TOWN IN THE CARRIBEAN
WHERE HE RAN INTO ONE OF HIS CHILDHOOD FRIENDS.
THE FRIEND SAID "MY GOSH JOHN, WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU? A HOOK FOR A HAND, A PEG LEG AND A PATCH OVER YOUR EYE.. WHAT HAPPENED TO YOUR LEG?" JOHN SAID " WELL YOU KNOW I WAS A PIRATE AND AS WE APPROACHED A SHIP AT SEA ON DAY A CANNON BALL CAME IN AND HIT ME JUST BELOW THE KNEE. I HAD MY CARPENTER ON BOARD MAKE MY PEG LEG AND NOW I GET AROUND AS WELL AS ANYONE." "WHAT ABOUT YOUR HOOK?" THE MAN ASKED. "WELL, AS WE BOARDED ON THE SHIPS ONE OF THE OTHER CREW SLASHED MY ARM OFF JUST BELOW THE ELBOW AND I HAD MY CARPENTER MAKE ME MY HOOK AND NOBODY MESSES WITH ME ANYMORE". WHAT ABOUT YOUR EYE ,THE GUY ASKED. "WELL I WAS ON DECK ONE DAY LOOKING UP AT THE SKY AND AN ALBATROSS DROPPED HIS LOAD RIGHT IN MY EYE". "GEE JOHN", THE GUY SAID, "THAT SHOULDN'T HAVE PUT OUT YOUR EYE SHOULD IT?" "WELL IT WAS DAY AFTER I GOT MY HOOK". |
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| An Amish boy and his father were visiting a mall. They were amazed
by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls
that could move apart and back together again. The boy asked his father,
"What is this father?" The father (never having seen an elevator) responded,
"Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what
it is."
While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an old lady limping slightly with a cane slowly walked up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady walked between them and into a small room. The walls closed and as the boy and his father watched, small circles of light with numbers lighted up above the wall. They continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction, and then the walls opened up again and a beautiful 24 year old woman stepped out. The father said to his son, "Go get your Mother." |
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| Getting rid of a man without hurting his masculinity is a problem. "Get out" and "I never want to see you again" might sound like a challenge. If you want to get rid of a man, I suggest saying, "I love you. I want to marry you. I want to have your children." Sometimes they leave skid marks. |
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| THIS OLD FELLA DECIDED ABOUT 9 O'CLOCK ON NIGHT THAT HE FELT LIKE
ICE CREAM SO TOLD HIS WIFE HE WAS GOING TO THE STORE AND GET SOME. SHE IN
TURN SAID "AS LONG AS YOUR GOING WHY NOT GET SOME CRUSHED NUTS AND CHOCOLATE
SYRUP AND WE'LL HAVE A SUNDAE".
HE SAID OK AND AS HE WENT OUT THE DOOR HIS WIFE ADDED, "YOU BETTER WRITE IT DOWN YOU MIGHT FORGET." HE SLAMMED THE DOOR AS HE WENT OUT. ABOUT 15 MINUTES LATER HE CAME BACK IN WITH A DOZEN EGGS UNDER HIS ARM. SHE TOOK ONE LOOK AT HIM AND SAID, "YOU OLD FOOL YOU FORGOT THE BACON'.
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From Bob Claycombe: